At the Risk of Being Misunderstood . . .

At the risk of being misunderstood, I want to share with all who come to this page what the Amazing and Indescribable Lord Jesus has been doing in my life.

He has been healing me!

Five years ago, I drove myself to insanity in my search for perfection. Perfection is an idol for me. I want to glorify God. I want to serve others. And I don't want to mess it up.

What God has shown me is His Sovereignty. I cannot possibly mess up His glory and the perfect work HE is doing in my life.

We have been having a 40 day tent revival here in Dallas. It ended May 18th. May 17th we began praying for 10 days. Praying and waiting. What's wonderful is that we've been praying and waiting together. I had wished that my church family would join me, but what I'm seeing is that it only takes a remnant to bring revival to masses of people.

Tuesday night, Michael Thigpen, a wonderful preacher with dark skin ;), prayed over me. He prayed that I would see myself as Jesus sees me and that I would accept it.

What a wonderful thought!!! As I drove around that night (Charla called it my moving prayer closet, which tickled me funny last night as I was driving around with half my closet in my trunk as I was on my way to housesit), the Lord took me back to an incident that happened when I was six years old. I was bit by a mean, abused dog. But that wasn't what he took me back too. There was a mean, abused little girl at the same house who bit me with her words. We were visiting her family for the weekend (and I cannot even recall their names). She and I were outside playing. I'm sure I was being my normal silly self - bordering on obnoxious (or gregarious, whatever). She suddenly stopped dancing or whatever we were doing and said, "You know - I don't like you. I'm just playing with you because I have to."

I just shrugged. What do you say to that? I just shrugged and you could say that I've been shrugging for 22 years. What God said to me on Tuesday night was that it was okay to be hurt by that. That was not a nice thing that happened. I didn't have to pretend that it didn't hurt my feelings. She didn't like me and she didn't know me. How could she decide that?

I wept. I wept and wept and sobbed and felt God telling me that He saw me as that sweet little six year old - most beautiful and delightful.

I am accepting it. It's a hard thing to accept - God's grace and calling in your life. But how wonderful the blessings when we simply accept and say YES, LORD, not me or my work or will but THINE be done.

Revival in Dallas

There is currently a 40 day tent revival occuring in the heart of downtown Dallas. It happens to be right smack in the middle of the theological heart (ie it's between Dallas Theological Seminary and The Criswell College, my alma mater).

It's heart rendering. They're calling for lives 100% surrendered to the will of God. Everytime I go I'm rejuvenated and revived.

Then I go home and I attempt to keep that same enthusiasm in all aspects of my day. Some days (like today) I end up staying in my pjs all day and alternating between going back to bed and watching reruns of Cosby and It's a Different World (that happens to be the pick of choice for today). Other days, I sense God's presence in all aspects of my day. I pray nearly without ceasing. I do not question what my next thought, word, deed should be - I just dance from place to place enjoying the thoughts of my precious savior.

Nevertheless, God is no less part of my day today as He is other days. He still remains Sovereign and Supreme and in control.

I think frivolity and rest are vital to being a sane person. We can take ourselves too seriously. Yet, where is the balance? Is there too much fun? I desire for even my fun and frivolity to be centered around the Lord.

Faith, Following Christ, and True Joy

The following is something I posted on a different, dead blog last summer. I thought it was interesting in light of the contemplations of what faith really is. I am currently reading a John Piper book. Christian Hedonism at it's best. What's struck me is that my pursuit - even my pursuit is by God's grace. It is not just the obtaining of joy and grace and faith, but it is the perfecting process. Sometimes I have duh moments. I love to quote Hebrews 12:2 to myself to remind me of where my eyes should be - Let us fix our eyes on the author and perfector of our faith . . . . or it is God's grace that is now opening my eyes to the fullness of this verse.

Irregardless, I hope the following is interesting regarding the journey and process - - - only 9 months ago, I was barely holding on by a tiny string . . .(or was I?)

I was struck with this thought as I was driving who knows where the other day . . oh, I can remember my exact location as I had this thought. I was going under the myriad of bridges on Beckley returning "home" from taking my brother to work listening to the "Calvary Hour" on am radio on 7 or 8 hundred something.

I was contemplating my relationship with the good Lord Jesus.

I thought to myself how selfish my pursuit of Christ really is. I really don't want to spend eternity in hell separated from Christ but sometimes I feel that that is the only tiny string left between me and faith. So I wondered if that was enough. Would only having that little string attaching me to faith really be enough to merit entrance into heaven. SO I returned in my head to Jesus' words. Our most quoted verse - John 3:16 . . that those who believe in Him might not perish but have everlasting life. Well, I believe. I believe He is the son of God. But is that still really enough?

I come from such a mixed background. Growing up that was enough. We didn't regularly attend church (though we did listen to sermons more than once or even twice a week). Bible college that began to not be enough . . . of course, consider the setting.

Even still though, Faith to me always begs the question of works. I love James - - "Show me your faith without the works, and I will show you my faith by my works." (2:18) If my faith isn't producing good works, do I really have faith at all?

If I die, and I find out it wasn't enough or if I didn't quite make the grade, and I have to spend eternity without Christ . . . . I will feel like Paul Giamatti's character in "Lady in the Water" . . . . I will weep as if my heart has broken and could never be put back together. Just the thought, conjured up a depth of emotion I rarely feel. That's when I realized it's not enough . . . .

And yet, at the moment, it's all I have.

Lessons from a 2nd Grader

I have a student who often causes me much room to pause and contemplate. (mostly because I must pause in order to restrain myself from strangling him.)

I contemplate him often because he is such a paradox to me. He is such a rebellious little guy yet he has this great potential for sensitivity and helpfulness.

So what does any of this have to do with wisdom? A good majority of my other students want to be like him. I see them swarming around him like little bees and he often complains about them following him around. I see them imitating him and copping his little attitude.

What makes them like him so much? I wondered if it is because of his knowledge. He has a 17 year old brother. He knows things beyond the average 2nd grader. Even in the way he carries himself. Most of my students are awkward and goofy. He is just cool and at times I think calculating. Do they want to be like him because our desire for knowledge is in innate? Our desire to fit in and be cool is innate? What is the draw?

I admit that while I want to strangle him, I can't help but like him.

Faith versus Belief

Are faith and belief separate ideas? Can you have belief and not have faith? If faith or belief do not impact my life, do I really have faith or belief?

Resurrection LIFE in 2007

This is from Pastor Dan as preached on Sunday. I thought it was fitting with my question regarding the abundant life.

Would you rather be an Ephesians 2:10 or Luke 7:30 believer?

LIFE is not a list a list of rules, etc.
It is Freedom, rest, truth, significance, love, joy, peace, patience, hope, adventure.

Learning about and resting in God's love. John 17:3

Investing in growing God's kingdom. Ephesians 2:10
(we all desire to be part of something transcendent . . . . evangelism and discipleship.)
John 4:34 - My food is to to do the will of my Father in heaven. This looks different for everyone. "The quality of a person's life exists in the quality of a person's relationships."

Following Christ's example of dependence on the Father. Be so following Christ that you are aware of God's leading. Like Peter with the Ethiopian!

Exchanging my life for His. John 12:24 LIfe is found in death . . . in laying down my agenda!!!

The Abundant Life

What do you consider Jesus meant by the abundant life and how do we enter in?

Active Faith and A Testimonial

From The Christians Secret of a Happy Life by Hannah Whitall Smith

It is the law of the spiritual life that every act of trust makes the next act less difficult, until at length, if these acts are persisted in, trusting becomes, like breathing, the natural unconscious action of the redeemed soul. You must therefore PUT YOUR WILL INTO BELIEVING. Your faith must not be a passive imbecility, but an ACTIVE ENERGY. (emphases bloggers)

The only thing I could add to this would be to put it into slightly more modern language. My question would be one which I have pondered on and off since I was 16. Is it enough to call myself a Christian merely because I call Jesus savior? Must I not also consider Him Lord if I am to be truly saved? Perhaps calling Him savior will allow me into heaven by the skin of my teeth. I will escape eternal death with zinged pants. But what of the abundant life?

Perhaps I am too selfish to be able to enter completely into the abundant life this side of heaven. Perhaps I am selfish to even desire it. I am A.W. Tozer's picture of most evangelical Christians . . . .

Most of us walk the tight rope between God's way and man's way. God's way is too costly, so we refuse to follow it completely. But we're afraid to go our own way. So we go partly God's way and partly our own way. We allow God to trouble our way, but we also trouble God's way. The obvious result is a confused and weakened sort of Christian life. (check out urbana.org for the full article)

"The obvious result is a confused and weakened sort of Christian life." The obvious result?!? The obvious result?! But we live with the obvious result. We accept it. We do not even know to long for a richer fuller life. Most of our books tend toward this interpretation. That it is not possible or they tend toward a life so full of "working" that instead of striving for belief, I am continually striving for righteousness. What is the balance?

Something seemed missing to me at 16 from the bland faith I witnessed about me and in my own life. I recall asking my youth pastor if the gospel we were preaching was really all there was to it. I was a "Sunday Christian" in the sense that I went to church and was active in my youth group, but I was or felt no different from any of my "secular" classmates. Was I different? I was saved from hell but was that all there was to it?

At 18, I had had enough. I didn't even know if I really believed that God existed. I attempted to X Him from my life. Yet, all along there was a still small voice and a longing in my soul to long for my Creator even if I didn't want to long. I remember praying every night for the desire to want God. I was known as "the Christian" but I felt the exact opposite. I didn't have faith, I did not even know Christ.

At 19, on a missions trip to Honduras I began to see that there was the possibility for a different life. How could people with nothing material and many with physical ailments be so joyful in their walk with God? Why weren't they complaining? Why were they blessing me? How were they able to bless me?

At 21, I entered Bible College and listened to talk of DL Moody, CS Lewis, Nate Saint, Brother Lawrence, George Mueller . . . I wondered why it seemed like no one in our century or country was striving for faith. All about, we were endlessly striving but we were weary and disconnected. Or I saw "perfect" Christians, who did not drink, smoke, do drugs, fornicate, curse, etc etc etc, the list goes on, but who were also harsh, unkind and arrogant in their treatment of others (myself included much of the time or either swinging dangerously between the two extremes). Was being Christian merely the absence of those obvious vices or was not being a Christian also about having the fruit of the Spirit?

At 23, I attempted to strive to be found in Christ alone and to have a faith like George Mueller. I even have a record in my Bible of a confession I made that I realized my quest for perfection of faith was sin. Yet, I was already running hard. Like Tozer says in his article, it's quite impossible to literally crucify ourselves. At 24, I found myself in a mental institution.

At 28, reading Hannah Whitall Smith, William Wilberforce, John Piper, I find myself still pondering the same questions. Jesus afterall did not merely forgive people their sins when He walked this earth, He freed them from its power. Why should I not expect and believe He is doing the same for me? Do we not experience such because we doubt much? Are we like the people that Smith talks about, we walk about in glum saying "Well, I've tried everything I could. Now I only have prayer." Should we not turn this the other way and begin every endeavor, every thought with the Lordship of Christ?